14 Values That I Imbibed From My Family
As a child I often wondered if I was part of a crazy, dysfunctional family - it used to feel very close to one! The fights, the arguments, the shouting matches, the chaos - the observant child, teen that I was - I was convinced that this what a “broken” family means. Today, a chastened me in mid-life muses that my family taught me some invaluable life lessons and values I wouldn’t learn from any school or college! And it is this family that has stood rock solid behind me in all of life’s ups and downs.
Families are precious teachers and treasure troves for life’s philosophy — here are some gems I picked from mine and interpreted and molded to my situations!
- Dysfunctional is Universal and Subjective
All families have their issues — there is no family in this world that is free of fights and misunderstandings. The ideal family is a fantasy best not lived simply because it never prepares us for any eventuality.
While the intensity of disagreement may vary from family to family, it does not take away anything from the core fact — blood is thicker than water. And Indian families very often live by that. There is laughter with the tears, love with the anger, there is pain with the joy — everything is so enmeshed with the other that it makes for its own unique place.
I see my family as a perfect example of this — no matter what or how different we are from each other, we keep coming back together.
2. Discern the Genuine from the BS
The world is full of different kinds and it takes all kinds. Genuine people are rare to find — “discern the fake (agenda driven) from the real” would be the constant refrain at home. Being the youngest member in the family, I was privy to very analytical conversations by my father and my older sibling. I absorbed a lot through these conversation and as I traverse real life situations, I cannot but help agree with many of the things I heard at home early on.
My mother’s wise words in this regard are invaluable, “99% people are passers-by in our lives — only the 1% genuine remain companions for life. Give the 99% only as much importance as they deserve — learn who they are early on, and don’t let them take you for a ride. Filter out the unwanted people — FAST”
On the other hand, my folks have always been warm and welcoming to family and friends who came in search of us — the hospitality was and is never lacking!
3. Be Wise With Your Money
My parents are retired mid-level bankers — and I was introduced to financial transactions at a very young age. I knew how to fill out a cheque by age 9, among many other things. And today, I say with pride, I live by humble means, but hopefully with wisdom. My father and my older sibling were my first Gurus and remain so till this day in financial meticulousness — I wish I imbibe more of their attitude, but then, my respect for their financial discipline is tremendous — clean, transparent, timely, thrifty, and no underhand dealings, arrangements. Straight — take no financial favors and give none — life becomes all the more simpler — and they are happy people.
While mankind is never satisfied with such a consumerist outlook prevalent everywhere, some basics never go out of fashion.
4. Be Who You Are- Even When You Are Being Misunderstood
There are times our genuine, well-meaning utterances, “calling the elephant in the room” observations or push-backs to unwarranted suggestions can be twisted or misinterpreted. As a result, we may become the butt of someone’s wrath, petty ego, ire or coldness even if the intent was never to hurt or be hurt. The process of dealing with the aftermath of such immature people’s vindictive reactions may be hurtful — it may range from downright ignoring, cutting one down to size, seeking new people, keeping secrets, cold-shouldering, one-upmanship, stubborn negotiations, erecting deliberate boundaries all the way to fake placating you with goodies like they would do a child.
While one sees through all this and the cliched temptation to confront, retaliate or distance oneself from such silliness may be huge, again golden words of advice from my parents keeps coming to my rescue, and soothes my distraught mind, “Stay connected with yourself. Step back, be normal. Continue to fulfill your intent, commitment and support in the manner you can — do not back out or run away. Do not succumb to your ego in reaction to theirs. Apologize and explain yourself — if it makes their fragile ego feel better. Silently focus on yourself. Let time and life’s lessons reveal itself to them. This is a cycle. You be yourself. Be an aware spectator — watch the fun. Be amused, don’t become the victim. If they are reasonable, over time, they will return. If not, take a call if you feel the toxic overrides the good. Ignore, limit contact or leave. You have nothing to lose.”
Words to cherish — and time has kept proving these words right.
5. No Expectations, No Entitlement
The other day I had taken my mother to an old friend’s house. The one thing the lady’s son said warmed the cockles of my heart and moved me. He said to my mother, “ Aunty, you are among the few people who always sought my mother’s company with no expectation at all.” To which my mother graciously replied, “It was likewise at her end too — and that is why we remained so steadfast.”
As I see the world and how many equations pan out, I do realize that the love of family apart, one has seen some genuine people like my maternal uncle, some good old and not-so old friends and associates showing up out of sheer affection and concern and not due to any explicit condition for the return on their concern (ROC). Transactionality — I realize as far as these few good people are concerned — is certainly not the way to go in the long run.
Expectation, Entitlement — are the two killer words that cross the boundaries of all relationships in the name of “liberties in the name of love.” I was perhaps never overtly aware of these terms in their entirety earlier — but I always knew I had a problem with the manifestations of these. Self awareness has only helped to recognize these and not get flustered anymore. I am finding my ways to deal with these — some way to go.
One of the things I have personally become wary of is flattery and idealization — genuine praise comes with no agenda or expectation. Idealization eventually leads to narcissistic discard and ego trips, when the praiser’s unrealistic expectations/agenda are not met later.
My mother says this always, when I have been confounded and sought her counsel: “Everyone has their priorities in life — do not expect someone, however close, to dedicate their life and time to you. Would you do it for another if you had your own challenges, even with the best of intent? Or, would you do it if it was not convenient to you? Ask yourself before you accuse or expect of another. The world owes you nothing. You earn and learn for yourself. Reciprocity and unconditionality are rare, cherish and keep those and try to be the same with such people. Else, give people their space and respect their boundaries. That is how you will keep relationships. Make the same politely clear to people who impose upon you as well. If they are mature, they will understand, if not, you are better off without such people.”
“Expect Less, You Will Have Fewer Complaints” — the internet quotes The Buddha too.
6. Integrity is Paramount
Personal, emotional, financial integrity are great benchmarks to establish one’s credibility. If this is not there, then what? My family has been my first Gurukul for this. Right from coming clean on our pocket money transactions from school days to now discussing all issues thread bare — this has been my first university and safe space.
While my parents have always been role-models, so has the lady who raised us in the absence of my working parents — she instilled this in a steadfast way more than anyone else. Unshakable values.
7. Cultivate Hobbies and Alone Time
From the day I can remember, my family has been a fan of food, music, movies, books, writing and travel. Collectively, we can house a library of the things we have bought as part of the hobby journey. These became and remain my mainstay till date. These tastes helped me to anchor my thoughts and cultivate more passions later such as theater — that as a connoisseur as well as a practitioner.
In fact, my latest experiment with podcasting is an inspirational idea given by my septuagenarian father, who showed me an article he was reading about podcasting!
So, need I say more?
Hobbies help to recharge, unwind, give us alone time, shut out the negativity of chaos , connect with like minded people, make us good conversationalists — and help us get a life, in short!
8. Stay Humble
I have seldom heard my parents speak too much about themselves or about my sibling or me. So also, my self effacing but highly knowledgeable sibling — I have never heard him boast about any of his achievements. If ever, he continuously feels he needs to improve. And these have been my first lessons in humility.
I recall after some of my very good performances on stage, my well meaning brother would whisper only one thing in my ear, “You are doing well. Stay grounded.” Rare is such advice in a world where people get carried away not only by their small or big personal successes but also by that of their near and dear ones.
As much as one can — humility helps. But only till it is not used as your weakness or to make you look like an ignorant fool.
Most times our work speaks for itself — there is never a crying need to try too hard. Work smart. Work quiet. Work diligently. The rest will happen by itself. Of course, the modern world demands we showcase and promote our work — and we all naturally enjoy a bit of the spotlight. How we find the balance will continue to remain the daily challenge. With self awareness, we can.
9. Seek No Comparisons or Validations
The toughest part of our existence is to stay away from comparing ourselves with others and seeking validation from a highly materialistic social ethos— Who is earning more? Who has the better title? Who has scored better? Who is a jet-setter? Who is the Superman and what not?
I say this with full gratitude and happiness that I never came under the pressure to be a topper, pursue a high flying career or live a designer lifestyle and the truth is because my modest parents couldn’t care less for any of these and the cool attitude just rubbed off on me for the best part, if not always.
I do not make myself needless answerable to the world for my life, lifestyle choices. I am who I am, and I project that positively. I am just grateful for what life has given me till date. And the good will follow. Period.
10. Criticize Constructively
If you have to say something to someone and it is important feedback — it is how you say that matters and not what. My mother’s golden words. And she has been the epitome of this philosophy. As Churchill said, “Tact is the ability to be able to tell someone to go to hell in a manner that he looks forward to the trip”.
I recall many a time after some event or performance of mine, she has gently rebuked me , counselled me, and given her feedback — and of course the one odd time she lost her cool too. But, importantly she has done all of this in a time when the recipient is in a frame of mind to listen and fact remains that I only remember the things she has said constructively — and those are the words that stand out for me always. With time, one seems to see the parent responding to one’s constructive feedback as well — it truly is a sign of the fact that adults can communicate without conflict or brutality.
In fact, whenever I find my voice turning harsh, I gently try to do a U-turn, yes, I have tried hard too to be that way — sometimes succeeded, sometimes not. The ability to hold a mirror without being harsh or critical is an art, indeed.
11. Gossip is Thy Enemy
Human beings love gossip — none in this world can claim to be 100% gossip free — in families, organizations, communities, places of worship too!
This piece perhaps ranks as my favorite gem. And why? Because my parents are diametrically different in their views in this matter and I prefer to go with my mother’s view — Gossip is thy enemy.
Never a fan of gossip, my mother has always stood her ground in this matter and has brushed aside many salacious pieces of information she would have heard from people. Her take? “At the risk of being and sounding boring to people, stay diplomatic, stay neutral and stay away from gossip. You will be less sought after, but you will have your peace of mind. If you must, listen and forget such a conversation happened, if you can. Do not spread it far and wide. Life is vicious, if you gossip relentlessly about others — it will come back to you in a very hurtful way.”
And very importantly, I write this down in golden words as said by my mother: “If you listen to something about you as reported by someone else and get influenced, remember the person who comes and tells you such malicious words is no one’s friend.”
Golden words that have helped me steer clear of controversies because I am clearly not useful to those who want to either glean information from me or pass on gossip to me — and I presume my name does not get quoted anywhere :)
12. Let People Realize On Their Own
When the epiphany hits, it hits hard. People generally take advice about something or someone with a pinch of salt, and the valuable takeaway from all this I got from my folks, particularly my mother, “Try not to give your opinion, lest you end up biasing the person or worse still, they end up mistaking your intent. Let the other’s realization be organic, and by their own experience. Do not try to protect them.”
This has been tough, but I have realized after a few small heartbreaks that she is right — people realize only after they have bad episodes with the same person, since the world operates on the logic of “Yes, I have heard some stuff about the person, but he/she has always been good to me. Perhaps you don’t know how to get along with them, or just ended up seeing another side of them. Stop being judgmental!”
Let time decide, why should one waste time doing the “ledgering”. As I stopped following up on any counsel I might have given to anyone — I have become lighter and freer.
13. Listen to All, Don’t Get Swayed
My mother, my brother are my biggest Gurus here —“ Listen to all, but do not get swayed by any cliched jargon, marketing pitch, fault-finding, aggressive motivational gyan if it does not resonate with you. Smile, and do what you have to do. Sometimes, in some situations you may have to smile, even if you are extremely irritated with the insensitivity and lack of nuance of the other person who is giving you the gyan — one, they believe they know best for you and two, they believe they have figured it all out in life — once you get provoked, offended or counter-argue, you are no better than them. People will talk to you from their level of understanding and perception, remember that. Take what is valuable and discard the rest, quietly.”
I try hard — succeed many a time, fail sometimes due to which misunderstandings happen, but then, that’s life — we are human and learn from our mistakes, whether the other party does or not!
It has also helped me to stay away from conflict — minimizing conflict is very important for my nature and I realized the trick lay in these vital cues.
And the biggest compliment I got from a childhood BFF recently, “I realize you and your brother cannot be swayed easily. You listen to everything, but then act on your own rationale without antagonizing anyone.” This, coming from someone who knows us for over 3 decades, is credit to the person’s keen observation skills as well!
14. Be Funny, But Draw The Line
Right from cracking and laughing at fart jokes, giggling, vulgar humor to downright black humor — our family dining hall has been no holds barred, but my dear mother draws the line at malicious humor — “If you speak maliciously about someone, their looks, their wealth etc in the name of humor and mime them behind their back, Karma will smack you right in the face someday.”
Wise words — and I prefer to draw the line very finely there.
There are so many more layers to the lessons that family gives us — but well I chose 14, that have been my guiding light — I try to keep being a better version of myself!
